Attachment theory has been studied and widely accepted in relation to children and their caregivers, but over recent years there is much more focus on attachment in adult interpersonal relationships. In fact, the type of attachment you had as a child likely affects how you will intimately attach in later life.

Avoidant attachment

If you are avoidant, generally you:

• May be described as cool, cold, and detached
• Seek independence, don’t like the ‘shackles’ of a relationship
• Often view emotions and connections as inferior to other things like jobs, travel, money, exercise, etc., hence you don’t prioritize relationships
• Skip from one relationship to the next, expecting ‘the one’ will finally understand you
• Romanticize an ex-partner because their unavailability means they’re unlikely to get close again, plus it sabotages your current relationship

You likely had caregivers that dismissed your wishes and needs, rejected them, or minimized them. This led to you stopping voicing your needs and made you turn inwards, shutting down, thinking no one can be trusted apart from the self. Around 25% of the population is this type.

Anxious-avoidant attachment

If you are anxious-avoidant, generally you:

• May be described as hot and cold
• Crave connection but also sabotage it
• Can find it hard to depend on others
• Find it hard to regulate your emotions and may be out of touch with them, making it hard to be open

You likely had caregivers that were hot and cold, sometimes lavishing love on you and other times being blustery and possibly violent. This could have caused you to be scared of the caregiver while also wanting their comfort. This type of attachment style seems to be the least common, at 5%.

Interplay of different attachment styles in relationships

Interestingly, anxious and avoidant couples are frequently drawn to one another which can make for dramatic and fiery relationships but both partners are triggered by one another’s attachment style.

When a secure partner enters a relationship with an anxious, avoidant, or anxiously-avoidant partner, they can stabilize them and the relationship can flourish. Avoidants rarely date other avoidants because there is no glue to keep them together.

Other influencing factors

There are many other factors that affect how you behave in relationships, such as underlying medical conditions, work stressors, drugs and alcohol, heartbreak, psychiatric conditions, and myriad other elements. This can sometimes make your attachment style hard to pick.

Working on your attachment style

Through counseling, reflection, and inner work, you can stabilize yourself from an anxious, avoidant, or anxiously-avoidant style into a secure one without the need for anyone else to do it for you. Remember, there is no ‘correct’ attachment style. The reason we fall into one of the four categories is because of the history of our lives and the resulting attachment style made you more likely to thrive in the environment you grew up in. However, if it’s leading to difficulties in your interpersonal life now, knowing attachment theory and how to deal with it can make you better connected and ultimately more content in your relationships.

Additional resources

• Attached The Book
• Healthline on Attachment Theory
• The Attachment Project
• Gottman Institute on Attachment Style